Rubina (now a 59-year-old lady) was 27 when she married a 37-year-old man, Saleem, in Rawalakot, Kashmir. She was from Lahore, the youngest child among her siblings. Her marriage was arranged with the reference of Jamaat Islami in 1992. Rubina, a girl from a developed city like Lahore, has lived in an underdeveloped area like Kashmir. Her husband had a PhD and was teaching at a university in Rawalakot, but he was never interested in his marriage. He often abused his wife, not just mentally but also physically.
Rubina said that on the night of her walima, her father-in-law told her that her husband was an idle man who was unable to feed her three times food properly. She also said that her husband used to abuse her at every small thing and also at anyone’s small complaint without verifying it with her. She said that she shared her marriage issues with her eldest sister, but she told her not to tell their parents as it would worry them a lot and bear everything patiently.
After some marriage, she was shifted to a separate house in Kharick, Rawalakot. She said that at the time of marriage, her in-laws had promised her family that this house would be transferred to her name, but nothing happened after marriage.
Rubina recalled her early marriage days when she had to bring water from water springs for everyday use. She used to wash clothes at water springs. In winter, tap water freezes, and she heats the taps in the washroom and kitchen.
Rubina and Saleem have four children, three daughters and one son. Her son has profound hearing loss from the time of birth. Rubina also faced difficulties because of having more daughters and a single disabled son. She recalled spending all her pregnancies at her father’s house, and her husband was never with her. After meeting him for the first time after birth, he has just taken his son in his lap with love and affection. Saleem also used to demand different things from her brothers, like gold, as her brothers are goldsmiths, and help him build a business.
Rubina casts her mind back to around 2002 when her first two daughters were studying at Private School in Rawalakaot, and she started teaching at another private school. She also admitted her younger daughter and son to the same class and school. She said that she did so to keep an eye on her son’s education so he doesn’t face any difficulty in his education. His son’s doctor advised her not to get him admitted to any disabled school because he was an intelligent boy.
After some time, her husband got a job at a government University in Lahore, so Rubina had to move to Lahore with her family. But new difficulties await her along with her new life. Rubina remembered that when she reached Lahore with her children and her husband, she was left alone with her children at the bus station without her husband’s notice. As the youngest child, Rubina must be aware of Lahore’s routes. She called her brother to pick her up from the bus station.
Rubina said that her brother inquired about her husband’s location. Rubina went to that location, but there needed to be an arrangement for her and her children to stay there. Her husband was staying at his friend Saddique’s house. Rubina recalled that Saddique used to rent his houses, and one of his houses was free. So, he rented that house to me and my children. “I had no proper furniture for my daily life, just some mats and utensils. It was a house in the third building, and my children faced many difficulties going up and down the stairs. It was quite hot in summer, and most children had difficulty sleeping at night. I used to wet the floor and mat to adjust for the time being to help children to sleep,” Rubina said.
“After shifting to Lahore, we used to visit Kashmir during summer vacations for our children. But at that time too my husband never stayed with us. He either went to his friends and his family or came back to Lahore and I had to live there alone with my children.” Rubina flashed back to her memories.
Rubina lamented, “After shifting to Lahore, the situation became more complex. Saleem was never interested in me or my children. The physical abuse continued as usual. My husband used to quarrel occasionally and sometimes left the house for days. He also used to refrain from making any expenditures for me, my children, and any household expenses. I used to fulfill my daily life expenses either by selling the gold that I got at the time of marriage or sometimes by collecting and selling siftings (چھان پورہ). Mostly, I borrow money from my neighbors for basic life needs. I have tried my best to keep my children from tension at home. I used to play with my children to keep them distracted. I have suffered everything alone. I have also tried to make sure that my children don’t face any lack of self-esteem.”
She recalled that at the time of the admission of her second daughter to college, her husband refused to help her with admission in any way. She has sold some of her gold chains and rings to get admitted to college.
She remembered that when her husband gave her money for household chores, she used to save some money from it. She occasionally brought charpoy from that money to comfort her children daily.
Upon answering a question, they said, “As time passed, I was blessed with another baby girl. During pregnancy, I have gone through a lot of issues that have affected the health of my daughter. Now, she has a heart problem and sometimes also goes through anxiety and depression. Due to family issues, she was unable to enjoy her childhood. She also had some difficulties in her studies.”
After inquiring about her children’s lives, she said, “My eldest two daughters became doctors. My husband tried to get them admitted to some medical college in Kashmir. My eldest daughter was not interested in a medical degree; she wanted to go for CSS, but she opted for medical just because of her father’s wish. While her admission was in process, he filled out the priority form for medical colleges. She was admitted to government Medical College, Muzaffarabad, when the results came out. Later, we found out that students with low merit compared to her were admitted to Lahore’s Medical College. Later, there was an issue in my husband’s family, and he got her migrated to a government Medical College, in Lahore. The same issue happened with my second daughter, but she didn’t agree to go to Kashmir and somehow got admission to a public Medical College in Lahore, too.”
“As time passed, my husband got a plot from the University and started constructing our own home. I was really happy and hoped that my life difficulties would come to an end with a new and our own home. But the life I have spent in that house was the biggest torture of my whole lifetime.” Rubina disclosed.
Flashing back to her painful memories, she unfolded, “My husband said to me that I don’t have much money to rent the house and do the construction of our home at the same time. So, we need to shift in our home in between the construction. I agreed, but when we shifted to that house, there were just the walls and roof without plaster. Even the floor of any room was not constructed. Water was everywhere in the house, and all our luggage, when unloaded, went wet and untidy. The house condition was not able to stay even for a day, especially with a whole family. When we shifted, my brother’s family was with us, and when they saw the condition of our home, they told me to stay with us for the time being. They also gave my husband money to complete that house’s floor and make it liveable. And we shifted to our brother’s house and stayed there for around three months. Then we came back. The house was a bit liveable now but still there were no windows and doors. It just had the main gate.”
She remembered that one day it started raining and water started to enter from the windows. There was no proper Almirah, and that’s why our luggage was all scattered in that room. My daughter and I stood in the charpoy with the window to stop the rain from entering the room, but it was all in vain.
She also said, “We lived almost 4.5 years in that house and in those years more than half of the time, there was some fighting in the house even on the smallest issues. At the end of every fight, my husband would be kicked out of the house. Even one day he opened the stove’s gas locked all doors and said to my children kick your mother out of my house otherwise I will set fire all over the home. One day while fighting he even divorced me and verbally kicked me out with all my children. We remained outside in our parked car for some time and when he went to sleep my son jumped inside and opened the door and then we went in and spent our night. At that time we used to stay inside a locked room in all fear and tension.”
“After going through all this drama one day my children decided to leave this house and get ourselves free from this daily torture. I started looking for a rented house and after some time I found a house near my sister’s home. It was stressful for all of us but my youngest daughter was affected by this, the most. She has some heart issue and all this drama was affecting her health very badly. So, with the consent of me and all my children, we left the house”, Rubina narrated.
“After our four or five months of leaving the house, my husband got married again to younger girl who is almost the age of my son. He now has two sons at the age of seventy. I have a case for maintenance in court against my husband but he is still not ready to provide any kind of maintenance to my children. He wants to prove my children, disobedient, so he doesn’t have to pay anything to us”, Rubina stated.
While discussing her new life, she said, “After all the hurdles, we started our new life. We faced, some challenges but our life improved a lot. The health of my youngest daughter improved a lot. My husband made the domicile of Kashmir for my children without our knowledge. My daughters had an issue in getting any government job in Lahore, for medical specialization. But when we left that house, after some time my second daughter got her job in semi government hospital, Lahore. My eldest daughter pursued her dream of CSS and also did some private jobs related to medical. We are still facing some challenges, but by the Grace of Allah, we have peace of mind. My life is much peaceful and happy as compared to my life with my husband.”
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